“Heavy” Linkin Park just some of the words:

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

And so it goes.  I’m working on changing my stinkin thinkin.  I am my biggest enemy.  I don’t like where I am but there must be comfort in the pain and hurtful place that I find myself.  At least I am familiar with it.

The unknown frightens me.  Ironically, what I refer to control actually looks like chaos on the outside. I wanna let go.  Why is everything so heavy?

Dragging around what’s brining me down…

Today I take baby steps. My island is eroding and I am learning how to swim.  Today, I tread water; slowly venturing out. Testing the waters but not too far out that I can’t make it back to the island.

The island that is slowly eroding, dying…

There is shelter on the other side.  Off into the distance. Beckoning, waiting, faintly and gently in the distance.

How deep is the water?

Today I am a year older. I’m still here; shattered and broken. The difference this year? For the first time, I think that I’m going to be OK.

The past few days, I’ve been handwinding a skein of yarn. The skein comes fairly straightforward; if you start with the right end, the process is pretty smooth. However, grab the wrong end and the yarn can become one big tangled mess. The more you try, sometimes the knots and kinks get tighter. If you’re not careful and patient, you can get a knot that you cannot loosen. Sometimes the way forward is nowhere to be seen.

Yet I still try. What was once nice smooth yarn is slightly fuzzy now from the friction of trying to wind the ball. Finally in the end, I have wound the skein into a ball of yarn which I can now use to create something new and beautiful. I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment in this fact.

Of course, there was an easier way to accomplish the end goal but that was not my path. This is my journey.. .